I am tired of being sick and more than that I tired of being on my period. I had a one month long one and got a week off (which i was sick though) and started again I am in the mood to post this email I just got.
AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads
for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
ridinng or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer
clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white
shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only
company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that
maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe
and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little
F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call "an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits
from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir,
you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which
brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping that was
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank
out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."
Are you f***ing kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual
smiling, laughing happiness—is it possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything I mentioned above sound
the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI,
unless you're some kind of sick S&M freaky girl, there
will never be anything "happy" about a day in which
you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahla and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march
down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle
and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man.
If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi
pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer"
or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just
picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department
that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop
in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one
minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And
that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Austin , TX